love makes seman taste better
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
