Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
