I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I AM VODKA MAN
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
