Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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