Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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