Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
