y did u give ur computer a hand job?
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
