Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
