just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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