He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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