Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
