So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
