ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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