He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
