My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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