p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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