I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My cat gives me a boner
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
