She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
