I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
