Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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