this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
