I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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