I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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