A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
