did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
