I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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