i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
