so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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