I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
