Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
