I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
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all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
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You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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