My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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