She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
