so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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