had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
