Can i not drive my cunt home
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
