JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
