All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
