Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
