It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
