Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
