Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Everything about him screamed your future.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
