If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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