I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
