Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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