Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
