I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
