After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
