I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize