Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
