it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
