my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
