His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
