the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
