my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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