Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
