Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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