he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
