I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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