I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
